


Landslide

by Midnight_w0nder



Series: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow [3]
Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dara is a sweeetpea, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Nicaise POV, Nicaise is a horse girl, Nicaise is in love, Sorry Not Sorry, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This fic is about Nicaise really, Wholesome, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26304634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnight_w0nder/pseuds/Midnight_w0nder
Summary: Things were going well. Nicaise had a boyfriend, he was doing what he loved, he was happy.Things were going well.Or so he thought.
Relationships: Damen & Nicaise (Captive Prince), Damen/Laurent (Captive Prince), Jord/Nikandros (Captive Prince), Laurent & Nicaise (Captive Prince), Nicaise/Dara (OC)
Series: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876936
Comments: 14
Kudos: 31





	1. The Phonecall

**Author's Note:**

> I'm backkkkkkkkk.
> 
> Ceol is pronounced 'key-ole' and is Irish for Music!

> ‘ _You touched my hand and you smiled_
> 
> _All the way back you held out your hand_
> 
> _If I hope and I pray_
> 
> _Ooh it might work out someday_ ’ – Fleetwood Mac.

Nicaise sat on the wall, taking a draw of his cigarette, and watching as Dara lead Murphy down to the shoreline wearing nothing but shorts and holding the horse on a lunge line. Murphy’s face was nearly white from grey hairs, his long ears shifting back and forth as the waves crashed around his feet.

This was another way of life.

Nicaise was learning to enjoy it, learning not to fight it. He had agreed to spend the summer in Ireland with Dara, staying with Dara’s grandparents. His grandfather didn’t speak a word of English except stop, easy, come here, and go. Dara’s grandmother however never stopped talking. She wasn’t able to walk anymore, so just wheeled herself around the stable yard in her wheelchair, waving her stick and pointing. His grandparents, though dysfunctional, had welcomed Nicaise into their home. His grandmother was glad Dara had made a friend and after watching Nicaise ride Jesse, she pulled him down to the round pen where a deep grey horse was tied to a post.

“This is Ceol, ride him. He needs a new rider. Dara is too busy with his grandfathers horses. Ceol is mine, and I want you to take care of him,” she said with a nod then wheeling herself away into the house. And so Nicaise did just that. Every morning he got up with Dara, went down to the beach and watched his boyfriend swim Murphy, then walked back and began the morning routine.

Mucking out, lunging, lunch, riding, feeding, then bed.

Soon, once Nicaise got into the flow of it, he loved it.

He loved Ireland. He loved the freedom of taking Ceol who was growing into quite the horse.

He loved Dara. Dara with his flame red curls, and freckles, he tanned skin and slight limp after a hard day, with his sleepy Irish accent that got thick when he was talking about his horses with the clip of Italian when he spoke to his parents.

Dara who was never phased or upset. Who sang aimlessly when they went on their evening walks. Dara who kissed Nicaise first. They had kissed when Nicaise had fallen off in cross country, he was drenched to the skin and his horse was two fields away and everyone had left except Dara.

Nicaise remembered that night clear as anything. He rang Laurent as soon as he got home, crying down the phone about this boy who had came in and made him _feel_.

“You’re safer ringing Damen or Auguste. They’re both married, they can give better advice”

“To you! I am married to you!” Damen yelled faintly in the background. Nicaise took a shaky breath, “I really like him, Laurent”

“I’m sure. Nicaise, I cannot control your love life. Sometimes, its worth the risk,” Laurent had said calmly ( ~~he had not been thrilled when he heard Dara was half Italian~~ ). But Laurent and Damen supported him, paid his flights to Ireland, and gave him space to work everything out.

And so, Nicaise found himself in Donegal, in the middle of nowhere, watching his boyfriend swim Murphy in the ocean. And he felt happy.

~/~

“Here, eat this,” Dara passed Nicaise a bar of chocolate and a bottle of water. “Keep your sugar levels up or you’ll find it harder to concentrate,” he smiled. Nicaise looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “I’m only jumping a horse, Dara. It’s not like it’s the Olympics”

“No. I know, but you get moody when you don’t have something sweet and it takes a while to drive to Sligo. So eat this now and you won’t be moody when we get to the show grounds,” He said. Nicaise sighed, taking the chocolate bar, and eating it then taking a sip of the drink. Dara was annoyingly aware of these things. He knew when Nicaise needed a break. He knew when to speak and when to say nothing at all. He always just knew what to do.

“Did you say Laurent and Damen were going to fly over to watch?”

“I don’t think Damen was able to get off work, could you record it for them?”

“Yeah of course,” he smiled, pressing a soft kiss to Nicaise’s temple, and then checking the tack locker one last time, mentally running lists then looking at Nicaise.

“Did you pack the polish?”

“Yes”

“And the tape to remove hairs?”

“Yes”

“And…”

“Dara,” Nicaise said, taking his hand and tugging it gently. “It’s fine. I sorted everything out.” Dara hummed, rubbing his chin as he checked again and then nodded. “Alright, let’s load up and get going then” he smiled, giving Nicaise another kiss and then going into the stable block and remerging with Frankie. Frankie was a lovely looking bay, tall and elegant. He was a retired racer, his long legs and sleek body showed how much power he had and yet Dara dealt with him like he was a Shetland, though Nicaise imagined it helped that Dara was 6ft 3 and towered over everyone.

In his head, Nicaise silently thanked the Gods. Dara looked simply divine in his white jodhpurs and show gear. Nicaise looked at him this morning and spilt the milk he was pouring into his coffee.

“You grab Ceol and I’ll help you load him. He’s a bit stupid about loading,” he smiled. Nicaise nodded, going off to find his pony. Ceol did not look like a powerhouse compared to Frankie. Ceol’s hips stuck out slightly, never seeming to be able to keep his weight on. His coat was patchy, that awkward stage were he was loosing his dark baby coat and growing into his adult one, transitioning from that baby look to a horse. His hooves were too big, and his face was flat, and his ears were nearly as long as his face yet there was something charming about him.

Nicaise led Ceol up to the ramp then sighing when Ceol flung himself back, rearing up high and throwing his legs out. “Ho, ho. Easy,” Nicaise soothed, stepping down and running a hand along Ceol’s neck. Times like this, he wished Laurent were near. Laurent always seemed to know what to do when a horse wouldn’t load. Laurent seemed to communicate with his horses that he wasn’t going to hurt him. That they were safe, no matter what they thought.

Nicaise let out a sigh, grabbing the cloth and tying it around Ceol’s eyes to lead him on that way. He didn’t like that method, but they were slightly behind time and they didn’t have time to sit with Ceol and try to soothe him onto the lorry. Dara stood at the jockey door, waiting for Nicaise to finish then locking the doors and the ramps, grinning at him. “Don’t look so nervous, Ni. It’ll be fine, here have a biscuit” he smiled, giving Nicaise a chocolate biscuit and climbing into the driving seat. Nicaise followed, climbing into the passenger seat, and sitting tight, his hands gripping the dashboard. Dara watched him then looked forward to the driveway, “You don’t have to compete. You can just help me. I can jump Ceol”

“No”

“Ni, it’s not worth getting this upset about,” he soothed, sitting back and not starting the truck, looking at his boyfriend. “If you feel like you can do it, then we’ll do it. If you don’t, then I’ll jump Ceol for you,” he suggested. Nicaise began scratching his wrists, he couldn’t let his grandmother down. He needed to do it. He needed to-

“Don’t get trapped in your head, Nicaise. I’m here. Talk to me,” he said softly. Nicaise took a deep breath. “I’m fine, I can jump him”

“I don’t want you to get yourself into a state,” Dara said, starting the lorry and pulling out the drive. He tooted the horn at his grandparents, “If you feel like you can do this then great but it’s just a small starter stake, for young horses to get some experience. There is no pressure here,” he said, driving onto the main road and then starting the trip to Sligo.

Nicaise wished it were that easy. But there was pressure. He had to get it right. He had to get the perfect round and he had to win first place otherwise he failed Dara’s grandparents, and he failed Dara and then he would have no interest in him anymore.

Dara, who was oblivious to Nicaise’s crisis and was screaming along to Seven Wonders by Fleetwood Mac. Dara, who was so steadfast and calm. Nicaise buried his face into the jumper that lay beside him and then he felt Dara place his hand between Nicaise’s shoulder blades. He never touched Nicaise’s hair, he never touched his head. He always touched his back or his hand.

Dara was annoyingly perfect. He wondered was this how Laurent felt about Damen.

“It’s just a show. What’s the worse that could happen?” Nicaise said nothing and he felt Dara rub his shoulders. “Talk to me, Ni”

“I just, I don’t want to disappoint your gran”

“The fact you even agreed to jump Ceol is enough. You could jump him round the beginners class on lead rein over cross-poles and she’d be proud. I am proud for you putting your name down in the 90, and I know he’ll jump it, because you’re riding him”

“You have too much faith in me”

“Not too much, just enough,” Dara smiled, resuming focus on the road, and turning the radio back up.

~/~

Nicaise sat on Ceol in the warm up arena, trotting the young horse round as Dara stood by the wing of the jump. “Relax your shoulders, Ni. You’re too tense!” he called. Nicaise took a deep breath, rolling his shoulders back and listening to him. He knew he was tense. Ceol hadn’t stopped bucking and dancing, but once they popped a few fences he got his rhythm.

He was Nicaise D’Vere. He knew how to jump a horse.

He had spent the last month building his relationship with Ceol and he trusted the Connemara cross. And so Nicaise popped him over the oxer, he sat deep as Ceol bolted but it was fine. He had cleared it and jumped well. Dara was grinning like the Cheshire Cat and Nicaise felt the heat crawl into his face as he pulled Ceol up and stopping next to him.

“Well?”

“He jumps so well for you, Ni. He’s jumping out of his skin, and you sit him so well,” he grinned, running a hand along Ceol’s neck who was chewing on his bit furiously. Ceol was ready to go.

“Keep your head, relax your reins. When you go for the speed round, minimal aid”

“I know”

“And use your seat more than your hands, he responds to that better”

“I know, Dara”

“Oh and Nicaise?”

“What?”

“Nice ass,” Dara smirked. Nicaise rolled his eyes, leaning down to press a kiss to Dara then trotting Ceol on into the arena, circling him and waiting for the bell. He glanced to the side lines and saw Dara waiting, his phone out to record it for Laurent.

The bell rang clear and Nicaise pushed Ceol into the canter, getting a rhythm and then popping the first jump. Ceol burst into life, his speed taking off as he cleared the jumps, riding lines that were dangerous and tight. Nicaise was completely focused, giving, and taking, listening to Ceol. Nicaise just happened to glance at the wings and he saw Dara on the phone, his hand pinching the bridge of his nose and his expression grim. Nicaise felt himself tense. He couldn’t break yet, he had six jumps left. He was going to finish the course, but his head was gone now, he relied purely on Ceol being good. And he did, Ceol got them round as best he could, sometimes he went too deep into the jump or took off too early but Nicaise rode him and they finished on a clear round. Nicaise wasn't entirely sure how they had gotten round clear. His mind had left him half way through the course. He felt how tense Ceol was under him, and Nicaise glanced at his hands, his knuckles were ready to break the skin he was gripping them that tightly but he needed to know what was wrong, 

Nicaise gave a brief salute then trotted out, cantering across the car park to were Dara was.

“What’s wrong?” he asked breathlessly, his hands shaking. Ceol let out a half rear and Nicaise jumped off, holding the reins, and looking at his boyfriend.

“I think you should sit- “

“What the fuck is wrong Dara?”

“It’s Auguste, Nicaise. He was… was in a crash”

“Right?”

“I’m sorry, Ni. He’s dead”.


	2. This Time Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peripeteia: (n.) A sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances; the point of no return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry (?)   
> TW for blood, and mentions of bad mental health and agnst.  
> Let me know your thoughts about this chapter please! Your thoughts on Nicaise and Laurent's relationship!   
> Love you all <3

> ' _I'll leave the sun behind me_  
>  _And I'll watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by_  
>  _Seven miles below me_  
>  _I can see the world and it ain't so big at all_
> 
> _This time tomorrow, what will we see?_  
>  _Field full of houses, endless rows of crowded streets_ ' - The Kinks. 

Nicaise hated travelling. He hated sitting on the plane and looking down at how tiny the earth became while he was in the air. He hated that feeling of loosing touch of earth, of not having his feet firmly on the ground.    
  


The flight from Dublin to England was not a long one. It was quick, but leaving Dara had been long. Leaving Dara had been hard. They had driven home in silence from the competition, Dara unloaded the horses and Nicaise didn't move from the lorry. He didn't move until Dara returned with a cup of tea and chocolate biscuit and sat next to him in silence.

Nicaise hated that he didn't need to speak with Dara. That Dara never pushed him and knew he would speak when he was ready. When he did eventually speak, his tongue was weighed down by the weight of his grief. 

"I loved him," Nicaise whispered. "I met Auguste first before Laurent. Auguste drove me to my first show because Laurent had taken an episode. Auguste helped me with Comet, he sat with me late in the night and taught me my courses," he explained. Nicaise felt his chest constricting tight. Dara reached out a hand but Nicaise shook his head.

"No, don't touch me please. Not now"

"I'll drive you to the airport tomorrow, Nic. Alright?"

"You won't come?" Nicaise asked, a child's request. He knew Dara couldn't. He knew that the horses still needed cared for, that the competitions still needed to be won, just because Auguste died it did not mean the world stopped. 

"I would. I would, Nicaise. But-"

"But the horses," he finished, nodding his head and wiping his eyes. "Is your gran disappointed I got disqualified?" 

"No. She's worried about you, so is grandda. Ceol is still going to be here when you come back. As is Sligo, as is the yard. None of us are leaving, though I will go back in the middle of August to see my parents then we're back to school," Dara said softly, pulling out his tobacco tin and rolling a cigarette for Nicaise.

"Then back to school," Nicaise repeated. He looked out at the yard. He always loved evenings in the mountains. He remembered the first night Dara brought him out on Murphy up into the hills to watch the sunset, the way the sea swallowed the sunset, and the colours melted together. When you could not see where the sky ended and the sea began. 

Nicaise wanted to make this his life, here with Dara. Safe. 

"I'll answer my phone, no matter when you ring me. I'll answer," Dara assured him, softly moving a curl from Nicaise's head. 

"Even if you're jumping a course?" he asked, Dara snorted and let out a quiet laugh. "You're such an ass," he muttered and Nicaise felt a smile crawl into his lips. His chest felt heavy with grief. His bones ached already. 

"I'm leaving tomorrow"

"It's for the best"  


"I don't know what I'm going home too," Nicaise admitted quietly. "I don't know. This... this will kill Laurent"

"I think Laurent is stronger than you give him credit for," Dara responded. "I think he's strong in a way perhaps you don't understand yet, or are scared to understand." 

Nicaise just let a breath go, nodding. He had rang Damen as soon as he was able too, and sat and listened to his adoptive father taking shaky breaths and trying to remain calm. He knew Damen was reeling. Damen had lost his work partner, his closest friend. He had said that he was thinking of closing the business and just taking private bookings, because it felt wrong not to have Auguste there. And Nicaise asked about Laurent, Damen said nothing, just that he had paid for Nicaise's flights home. 

And so Nicaise left Dara, and he was not ashamed to admit he cried as he hugged his boyfriend goodbye. He cried as he hugged Ceol and Granny and Grandda McDaid. 

He cried. 

And now he had no tears left to cry and instead he felt empty. 

~/~

"Hello?" Nicaise called out. The house was in silence. He had gotten the bus home, Damen had things to sort in town with Nikandros and Jord was left to keep the yard in check but from what he could see, the rescue centre wasn't busy. There was a handful of horses grazing, he could see their bodies through the window of the house and the quietness of the yard unsettled him. 

"Laurent?" He tried again, setting his bags down. They didn't have a big house. It was a simple cottage, the walls lined with photos of Laurent, Auguste and Damen. Separately or together. Nicaise's favourite photo (though he would never say to them) was the photo of Damen and Laurent on their wedding day. Laurent sat on a wall, having a smoke while Damen had his head thrown back in laughter, his eyes shinning. Jord had taken the photo in secret, and had attempted to use it as blackmail to Laurent and instead Laurent framed it in the hallway. Nicaise ran his fingers along the wall, he found the photo of him riding Comet at the HOYS qualifiers, Auguste stood next to him and Laurent holding Comet as they accepted the rosette. 

_ Clank.  _

Nicaise was pulled from his daydream, walking to the source of the noise and into the kitchen were he found Laurent on the floor in the corner.

Nicaise remembered being young. Not young enough to understand but young. He was thirsty and he walked into the kitchen to get water and he saw Laurent sitting by the table, stitching a gash on his arm. He looked up when Nicaise entered and frowned. “We will keep this a secret from Damen” 

“Last time someone asked me to keep a secret, it was my uncle” he saw the pain in Laurent’s eyes. He saw his hand shaking with his needle and thread. 

Nicaise remembered hearing Laurent vomiting, and Damens calm voice while Laurent screamed. 

He remembered the hospital visits. 

He remembered Damen crying in the car after the visits to Laurent on the wards. And how empty and vacant Laurent’s eyes were. 

He remembered when Laurent would be released, Nicaise would stay with Auguste for the weekend and then would come home and things would be alright again. 

Perhaps, he thought, this was training for this moment. 

Nicaise came in and found  Laurent was sat in the corner, knees hugged to his chest and blood everywhere. 

Nicaise took a cloth and water to start cleaning it. “We don’t want this getting infected” he said quietly to Laurent, who scoffed at the comment. 

“You should’ve been a doctor.” 

“I enjoy horses. Perhaps l will be a vet” he responded and Laurent shook his head. 

“No. You are too talented at competing for that. You enjoy it too, I watched you. I saw the videos”

“You never said”

“No. But I watched every single video you sent. And I showed them to Erasmus and Nikandros and Jord and to... to”

“I didn’t know,” Nicaise said honestly, cutting him off so Laurent didn't have to say Auguste. Laurent looked at him now, tilting his head. “Did you doubt my love for you?”

“Some days, yes”

“Because l did not love you the way you thought l should?” He asked. Nicaise took a deep breath and nodded slowly. Laurent touched Nicaises chin. “Never ever doubt my love for you. Or how proud l am of you. How did your competition with Ceol go?" hearing Laurent say Ceol sounded wrong. Laurent still had the whispers of a French accent, and some words it was noticeable, and Ceol was a very Irish word that did not sound right coming from him.

"I got disqualified," Nicaise said quietly with a small smile. "I didn't show proper etiquette when I left and told them to fuck off" 

"Not very professional," Laurent chimed, letting out a soft tut-tut. "How is...Dara? He didn't come with you?"

"No. His grandparents couldn't take care of the horses on their own"

"What happens when he leaves?"

"Frankie goes with him to the academy and they employ a groom," he explained, tenderly wrapping the gash. Laurent hissed slightly, yanking back but Nicaise didn't let go, he finished up and then sat down, cross legged in front of Laurent.

Laurent, who Nicaise always thought looked hauntingly beautiful, looking haunting now. His sharp cheekbones hallowed, his bright eyes dull with bags and red from tears. 

"Laurent, I'm-"

"Do not start with apologies. If I hear one more, I will stab them. And then myself," he said, tilting his head back. "I don't want to hear it"

"Are you OK?" he asked, Laurent shrugged and shifted slightly, looking at the mess he had made. "It's not fair on Damen," he responded. "He... He is too good to me. He loves too much and so unapologetically. He hasn't cried, or shouted at me, or done anything. I want him to do something, I want to know he feels it too" 

"I feel it too," Nicaise said quietly. "I miss him, Laurent." Laurent nodded silently, closing his eyes and smiling. 

"I miss him too. He was on his way over here, to tell me about a new horse he had found. I told him, always told him, he drove those lanes too fast. And he just, he didn't see the other car," Laurent breathed. Nicaise could hear the emotion building in his voice, he felt it. He felt his own throat beginning to constrict with pain. Laurent let out a quiet sniff, wiping his eyes. "Damen says its OK to cry. That its a natural response. But I am so fucking tired of crying and missing him. I ache," he breathed. "I ache just to... to"

"Laurent," Nicaise shifted closer, pressing his head to Laurent's shoulder. Laurent instinctively wrapped his arms around him, pressing his head to Nicaise's.

"I am glad you came home, Nicaise. I'm glad you are here." 

"I'm glad I'm home too"

"Even with no Dara?"

"I think you needed me more than him," Nicaise felt Laurent chuckle, but it dissolved into crying. Nicaise could feel it in how Laurent's body language shifted. The way his shoulders tensed and he curled inwards and all Nicaise could do was hold him and listen to him cry. 

~/~

When Damen came home, he found Nicaise asleep in Laurent's lap with Laurent pressed into the corner of the cupboards, his head at an unnatural angle and his arms wrapped protectively around their adoptive son, the two asleep. Damen let out a quiet sigh, beginning to pick up the glass shards that surrounded them as quietly as he could. 

He knew that this would be unlike anything they had experienced before. 

The point of no return. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my darling, who helped me pick some of the songs and what to do with the chapter summaries, go follow him on instagram @jaketurkington


	3. Defenceless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faodail - (n.) A lucky find.

> ' _Your beauty and kindness_  
>  _Made tears clear my blindness_  
>  _While I'm worth my room on this earth_  
>  _I will be with you_ ' - The Proclaimers

Nicaise didn't remember falling asleep in the stable until Jord woke him up. Comet was dozing off, resting his head on Nicaise's lap. His lovely Comet was old now, his face was salt and pepper, but he still got on like he was a young wild thing. Nicaise forgot how strange it was to be home, how easily he felt back into the routine of being in the rescue centre. He hacked out three horses yesterday and schooled two, helped Jord with feeds and did the injections. 

Laurent hadn't left the house. 

He emerged once to smoke on the porch, Nicaise had asked if he wanted to take Pig out with him but Laurent shook his head and returned inside. Damen had left first thing to talk with a business interested in buying the vets, and so Nicaise left Laurent and did what he did best. He rode. He liked the new horse Laurent had gotten him, a nice springy piebald who bucked occasionally, and bounced around like he had never been ridden before. 

The horse wasn't Ceol though. And he wasn't in Donegal. And while he had rang Dara and stayed on the phone for nearly three hours, it didn't fill the void of missing him. He wasn't physically there with him. Nicaise was alone. 

Jord gently nudged Nicaise's shoulder, giving him a smile. "Sleeping in the stables? Damen's snoring gotten that bad?" he teased. 

"His snoring shakes the walls," Nicaise responded, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, Comet moved away then lay his head back down and let out a puff of breath, he really was turning into an old man. 

"Poor kid, having to put up with that," Nicaise got up, brushing the shavings off himself and lifting a bucket and tossing it into Bently while Jord pushed the wheelbarrow along. "How has France been?"

"Nice, the school is nice"

"Auguste studied there. So did Laurent. Except Laurent got kicked out after a year for cutting someone's stirrup leathers," he chuckled. Nicaise snorted, but he remembered seeing Auguste's photo in the gallery. Auguste astride a large grey horse and grinning widely. He pushed the grief aside, and followed Jord.

"How about you? How has work with Laurent been?"

"It was great. Nikandros rotates, some days he's here then some days he's in the local restaurant. He likes keeping himself busy. I got him a horse," Jord smiled, a slight blush on his face. "Nothing exciting, it was one of the rescues. A nice cob, for him to just bring out into the fields," he explained as he dumped a bucket of feed into Rosie and then onto the next one. "Laurent had a lot of horses there. He sold five, to good homes. People he knew, or friends of people he knew. He personally checked every yard before he shifted them"

"Where's Pig?" 

"He keeps Pig in the shed next to the garden, he has his own stable so he's next to Laurent," Jord stopped, stretching and then looking at Nicaise. "Heard you got yourself a boyfriend too"

"Perhaps I do," Nicaise smirked, taking a bucket again and looking at Topsy, the small Shetland really did not need fed with the fat belly he had developed but his little face made it hard for Nicaise to say no. 

"That's great Nic, I'm glad. I'm sad you had to come home for such bad circumstances," he said honestly. "Auguste, he was a great guy. I'm trying to be there for Laurent but he won't let anyone in, except Damen" he said, finishing up the feeds and looking at the full yard of horses. "Damen is tired, I think. We all are. But it'll get better" he said with a firm nod. Nicaise didn't know much about Jord except his first boyfriend had killed himself. But from what he could tell, he was a good person. He always took his job seriously and he always helped and never asked for much in return. Nicaise didn't even know if Laurent paid him.

"I want to try and get Laurent out on a hack," Nicaise murmured, picking at dust on his shirt. Jord looked at him then looked back out to the open fields and sighed.

"Listen kid, Laurent is like a box of ice. Cold and hard and you can't break through unless you've the right tools. Damen has the right tools. I'm not saying it's not worth a try, but Laurent needs to process his grief. Sudden deaths are worse than knowing the person is dying. Because you never had time to say goodbye," he explained, gently resting a hand on Nicaise's shoulder. "But he's glad you're back. So am I, means you can ride the psycho horses while I do the repair work," he smiled. Nicaise couldn't help but chuckle a little at that, nodding his head and then moving off. "Alright, write me a list of psychos you want ridden," he called over his shoulder as he walked towards the house. 

~/~

Nicaise didn't know what he had expected to find when he walked in, but honestly he wasn't surprised to see Laurent sat on the sofa surronded by photo albums of him and Auguste. He was completely engrossed, it wasn't until Nicaise sat down that Laurent looked up, his eyes hazy from lack of sleep and then down.

"They want a photo for the funeral. I can't pick one. None capture him right," he murmured. Nicaise was glad he was so fluent in French because upset Laurent speaking French could be hard to translate on the best of days. 

"How about this one?" he asked, pointing to the one of Auguste holding a horse and laughing mid shot. Laurent shook his head. "No. It needs to be better"

"You're not going to get better, Laurent," Nicaise said quietly. "It's a nice photo. He's with... Albatross? The dressage horse he had right?" Laurent nodded, smiling slightly. 

"Albi was a lovely horse. Auguste would lead me around on him," he whispered. 

"There are good memories with it, so it's a good photo to use," but Laurent shook his head, rubbing his face. 

"But it's not right"

"Nothing is going to be right, Laurent. Nothing is going to be right because none of this _is_ right. We shouldn't be planning his funeral, we shouldn't be looking at photos of him. None of this is right because it's shit," Nicaise snapped. He hadn't meant too, he really hadn't. But he was so exhausted. Laurent looked at him, in the way that only Laurent could. The way he looked into one's soul. He tilted his head then looked back down and pointed to one of Auguste standing by a wall, looking at the camera with a soft smile. 

"I like this one," he said lowly, pressing his fingers to the photo. Nicaise saw the slight tremor in his hand. "You're right, none of this is right"

"I'm sorry I snapped" Laurent shook his head, smiling slightly. "Someone needed too," he chuckled, sitting back and hugging one knee to his chest.

"I just want it to be perfect. I want his funeral to be perfect, because that's all he deserved," Laurent spoke so innocently. Nicaise nodded, sitting closer to him and lifting one of the albums. "Tell me about this photo"

"That was my tenth birthday, Auguste surprised me. He came home from the academy early and we had dinner together"

"And this one?" 

"Auguste came home when I tried to take my life, and in the better months I would be allowed to spend an hour with him without supervision," he explained. "And so one day, Auguste tried to sneak his dog in and then the dog got out in the visitor room and he was banned for two weeks." Niciase snorted, shaking his head and closing the book softly and giving it back to Laurent. "I was speaking to Dara, and he told me to tell you something"

"Oh?"

"He said that you're in his thoughts and granny McDaid has lit a candle for you"

"A candle?"

"It's an Irish thing. You light a candle to let someone know you're in their thoughts," he explained. Dara often lit candles, when he lost his car keys right through to when his horse died of colic.

Nicaise missed his boyfriend.

Laurent hummed, nodding his head. "Granny McDaid? His grandmother?"

"Yes"

"And you call her granny?"

"She told me too," and then Laurent smiled, shaking his head. "Young love, you _are_ in love aren't you?" 

"I am"

"It's a good way to be, don't do what I did and push him away instead of just letting it happen. I made Damen's life very hard when we started dating. I fought with him one night and I was horrible. I said things I shouldn't have because I wanted a reaction, yet he didn't give me one. Is Dara good to you?"

He is the best. He is truest person I know and he loves so beautifully, I feel like I've never been hurt in my life, Nicaise thought but instead just simply nodded and said yes. 

"Don't waste your life in pain, Nicaise. We were hurt enough when we were younger, you deserve Dara if he makes you happy"

"You deserve this life too, Laurent. You deserve Damen," he said, pointing to the photo on the fireplace. Nicaise remembered the day well, Laurent had won in the class of 1m 10 on Pig and Damen was jumping in the stands like a pogo stick. And then he ran down to the barrier and Laurent cantered over to him and kissed him. A photographer for the firm had snapped the photo and sent it to them and it had been framed ever since. 

"You are wise, aren't you?" 

"It's the trauma," he replied in a dead pan voice making Laurent snort, shaking his head. "How did we get here?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad we did. You aren't alone Laurent"

"But I am in a sense. I've no family left alive"

"Am I not your family?" he asked and Laurent nodded. "You are, Nicaise. You are my son, and I love you."

"I love you too. Do you... would you like to come for a hack with me and Comet? You can take Pig?" he asked hesitantly. Laurent looked at him then looked out the window, "There's no point waiting anymore, is there? He's not coming"

"He's not, Laurent. He's dead" Laurent nodded, rubbing his face. "I thought perhaps if I waited long enough, he would come back" 

"I'm sorry," Nicaise whispered. Laurent nodded, sitting up right then moving, setting the albums down and looking at Nicaise.

"Shall we go then?" Nicaise smiled, nodding and following him out. 

~/~

"Your photos are great, Nic. Comet looks well," Dara said down the phone. Faintly in the background, Nicaise could hear the sea. He had rang at the time Dara usually went for his walk, being sure to avoid him riding a horse.

"Laurent had fun too"

"I'm glad. I'm glad you got him out, love. He needs to get out instead of staying in the house, that'll make it worse"

"I know. He took Pig then he sat in the arena as I rode Peggy"

"How's Peggy going?"

"I wish..." I wish you were here to take a look at her, she's strong in the corners and she gets the bit between her teeth too easily. I wish you were here to ride her and tell me your thoughts. I wish you were here so I could hug you in the evenings when I'm tired as I have done for the last seven months. 

"You can finish the sentence, love. What do you wish?"

Nicaise felt tears forming, his throat constricting.

"Darling?"

A quiet sob escaped him.

"Awk, Nicaise. It's alright, I'm here"

"But you're not here, Dara. You're in Donegal. You're not here, beside me. And I wish you were," Nicaise gasped, covering his face and trying to quieten his sobs. The line was silent, then gently Dara began singing. 

" _My heart was broken, my heart was broken_  
 _Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow_  
 _My heart was broken, my heart was broken_

 _You saw it,_  
 _You claimed it_  
 _You touched it,_  
 _You saved it_ " Nicaise heaved a breath, trying to calm himself down and listen to Dara then he heard him say softly. "Sing, Nicaise" 

Nicaise sniffed, closing his eyes and swallowing hard. 

" _My tears are drying, my tears are drying_  
 _Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you_  
 _My tears are drying, my tears are drying_ " he sang shakily then Dara continued. 

" _Your beauty and kindness_  
 _Made tears clear my blindness_  
 _While I'm worth my room on this earth_  
 _I will be with you_ " Nicaise closed his eyes and listened to Dara. His crying eased slightly.

"Just because I'm not beside you, Nicaise. Doesn't mean I think of you every day or miss you. I do. And I can't wait to see you again, I miss your stupidly expensive shampoo and how nice it smelt, I even considered buying a bottle"

"Oh?"

"Mm. I jumped Frankie today for the Dublin qualifiers, I have some prize money I think I could spare for it" he teased making Nicaise snort.

"No, you'll just buy a vinyl and tell me how uneducated I am"

"Fleetwood Mac, Nicaise. You didn't know who _Fleetwood Mac_ were!" and Nicaise felt his heart settle. He felt it ease the way it did when he spoke to Dara. Dara, how lucky Nicaise was to have found him. To know him and to love him and call him _his._

_His boyfriend._

With no alternative motives, nothing nasty to hurt him, no secrets, no fear.

Nicaise loved him and Dara loved him in return.

"Are you ok now darling?"

"I'm ok"

"Are you just saying that?"

"Yes," Nicaise answered making Dara snort, Nicaise knew he was shaking his head. He always did when Nicaise was sarcastic. 

"I can stay on the phone til you fall asleep"

"What are you doing?" 

"I'm walking the pier, then I'm going back to do the last round of checks then bed, but I won't hang up until you're ready"

"Thank you"

"I love you, Nicaise"

"I love you too, Dara." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST REALLY LOVE DARA AND NICAISE DESERVES HAPPINESS OK.


	4. Cigarette Daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green: Inexperienced; may be applied to a horse of any age having limited training, or a rider. The old horseman's adage says, "Green plus green makes black and blue."

> ' _You can drive all night_  
>  _Looking for the answers in the pouring rain_  
>  _You wanna find peace of mind_  
>  _Looking for the answer_  
>  _If we can find a reason, a reason to change_  
>  _Looking for the answer_  
>  _If you can find a reason, a reason to stay_  
>  _Standing in the pouring rain_ ' - Cage The Elephant

**~ Flash** **Back: Nicaise and Dara's First Kiss** **~**

It was wet. Horribly so. The rain was thick and fast, and Nicaise's clothes were sticking too him and his shoes made a noise every time he walked. He had long since given up trying to ride Bosco properly, the reins were wet from the down pour and he had no grip left.

He was also cold.

This was France. Not England. If he had wanted this weather he would've stayed at home with Laurent.

Niciase sighed, steering Bosco to the left and pushing for canter as they broke from the forest and into the open space, the hill rolling on for what felt like miles.

"On your left," a voice called, an annoying accent that made Nicaise's stomach flipped. He frowned with distaste, looking over his shoulder at the rider.

Oh delightful, he thought. It's Dara.

Perfect Dara, who always was so sickeningly nice to him, who had a beautiful horse, who was charming and perhaps the best rider here.

Perfect Dara, fucking asshole. Nicaise rolled his eyes and pulled Bosco to the side to give Dara some room to pass and instead Dara pulled his horse next to him. Even though the horse pulled hard, Dara seemed completely unfazed. He sat the trot, his position perfect and his hands soft even though the horse was fighting for its break.

Perfect fucking Dara.

"Shite weather, isn't it?"

"Mmm"

"Thankfully, Dolly here is Scottish so I doubt she minds too much," he smiled, even though Dolly tried to take off again and her ears pinned back. Nicaise simply looked at him then back at Dolly then back to Perfect Dara, with his perfect tanned skin and freckles and soft Irish accent.

"Are you fucking blind?"

"What?"

"She hates being out here. Look at her ears, look at how she's fighting you, she hates everything about this" 

"No. She's green, she hates being ridden. She hates being made to work," he said, looking at Dolly then back at Nicaise. "I suppose its how you look at it. But you're not riding her so you can't feel her. If you had, you would know that in the indoor over a course she is the exact same even though there is no rain"

"Then maybe it's you that's the problem," Nicaise responded, sitting deeper and pushing Bosco on into a canter and sitting up into his light seat, he needed to get away from Perfect fucking Dara. 

~/~

It was 0.5 seconds after that encounter Nicaise decided he had a crush on Dara. He kept thinking about Dara's hands and how nice it'd be to hold them. He thought about how nice it'd be to just hug Dara. 

So naturally, Nicaise pushed that feeling deep inside him and ignored it with all his might. 

Every time Dara tried to speak to him, Nicaise walked in the opposite direction. Every time Dara said his stupid 'on your left' Nicaise rode Bosco to the left and pushed him into a gallop. Every time Dara looked at him, Nicaise suddenly looked away or became fascinated by his clothes and avoided his gaze.

He was not letting himself fall in love with Perfect fucking Dara. 

No. 

Not at all. 

Not one bit.

Which was why Nicaise was doodling 'N + D' on his notebook with love hearts around it. He wondered what Laurent would say, would he say good for him or say don't bother falling in love with someone, it's a waste of time. 

Would Laurent be happy for him? 

Nicaise sighed, looking at the time table for this week then sighing even harder. They had group cross-country tomorrow to prepare for the Boxing Day Hunt, and Nicaise was riding fucking Dolly and Dara was on Bosco.

This was an outrage.

Nicaise stormed down to the office were Toya was sitting at her desk, not even looking up from the computer she said (more drawled) "Yes, Nicaise?"

"Why is Per- Dara. Why is Dara riding Bosco?"

"Dara spoke to me and felt you could do a better job with Dolly, which I sadly have to agree with. Dara is good with green horses but not rescues, he doesn't understand them"

"I don't either"

"Have you not worked for Laurent for the last five years?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then I don't see the issue except you probably learned some of his bad habits" oh yes, Nicaise remembered. He remembered Laurent had cut the stirrup levels of a rival, maybe he should do the same to Dara. 

"Listen, Nicaise. Dolly is a rescue. I gave her to Dara because he is a quiet rider but she needs more than quiet. She needs somebody who can predict her, and push the right buttons. Dara is soft, you are firm"

"Is that not a bad thing?"

"No. You just have to learn the right balance of the two, which you are. You take after Laurent a lot in your riding. Auguste was always soft rider too, and he did well but he wasn't Laurent"

"You speak of Laurent very fondly"

"I do. I was sad to see him go, but I keep in touch with him. I even contemplated sending him Dolly," she said, finally looking away from her computer and sighing as she took Nicaise in. 

"Why do you hate him so?"

"Laurent?"

"No, smart ass. Dara"

"I don't hate him" I just hate the feelings I have for him, but Nicaise didn't say that out loud.

"You know, the person whose stirrup leathers Laurent cut was called Torveld"

"Torveld as in the guy who gives guest lectures?"

"Mmm. Torveld had asked Laurent out and told him that he thought Laurent was amazing, and so Laurent cut his stirrup leathers. I know Laurent could've done a lot worse, but he didn't. Don't go cutting Dara's stirrup leathers just because you like him" she said then returning her gaze to the computer.

"I don't-"

"Shut the door on the way out, and wear your competition silks tomorrow, thank you," Toya responded leaving no room for argument. And so Nicaise may or may not have slammed the door on his way out. 

~/~

Nicaise woke up at 5am so he could lunge Dolly before he rode her. Thankfully there was no rain today, but the mud was ankle deep and the air still had that wintry bite. Nicaise groaned, rubbing his face then hearing a soft ping, he grabbed his phone and smiled slightly when he saw the text. 

Laurent: **_Good **l** uck today riding Dolly, remember what I said. Soft hands, firm leg. _**

Laurent: _**[Insert picture of Comet and Damen]**_

Laurent: _**We're all rooting for you.**_

Nicaise didn't think twice, he pressed the phone button on Laurent's contact and naturally, Laurent picked up instantly.

"Was the texts not enough?" he asked in French. Nicaise felt the tension leaving his shoulders. 

"No. I'm fine, it's not a competition you know?"

"I know. But it makes up 60% of your final mark, and you're taking a green horse out in horrible weather with Toya"

"Toya is your number one fan apparently," Nicaise muttered then stopping when he heard Laurent laughing, actually laughing.

"Toya is. She sends me her reports and videos of some of your class mates and asks my opinion. That Dara is a good rider"

"I don't like him"

"Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean he's not good. I didn't like Torveld but he's a guest lecture now," Laurent responded calmly. Nicaise groaned, rubbing his face and sitting up right. "I don't want to do this"

"I'm afraid you have too, Nicaise. Then tomorrow you're home for holidays to school even _more_ horses" Laurent grinned 

"Oh fuck off"

"I love you too, try and get some photos will you? I'll text Toya and ask her. Auguste wants to see how you're getting on as well"

"Bye Laurent"

"Bye Nicaise, chat to you soon." Nicaise hung up, rolled out of his bed and looked at himself in the mirror and took a deep breath, he was Nicaise D'Vere. He knew how to fucking ride a horse. 

~/~

Nicaise's new found confidence lasted until the first jump. Dolly charged into the hedge and instead of jumping through it she jumped the top of the hedge, nearly unseating Nicaise but he had a seat of steel. His hands found the mane and he didn't fall, and pulled her back when she tried to gallop off. Dolly was strong and not use to people telling her no, and so Nicaise rode firmly, his seat deep and his heels pushed as far down as they could go, his leg a little forward just for safety. 

The next jump was a wall and surprisingly Dolly jumped it well. Nicaise got a glimpse of what a horse she could be, her jump was smooth and powerful. 

"Nice jump!" Dara called, popping Bosco over it. Nicaise rolled his eyes and pushed Dolly on, he needed to keep his concentration. He needed to focus.

"The water jump is coming up next," Dara warned, cantering past and clearing it on Bosco, water splashing everywhere. The jump wasn't hard, it was a drop into the water, a log and then a step out. 

Nicaise tapped Dolly on the shoulder with his whip, bringing her back to trot and sitting deep. She over jumped the step, flinging herself at the log, completely missing take off.

And so Nicaise found himself on the ground in the water, spitting out the muddy water. "Dolly," he called, staggering up. God his shoulder _burned_. "Dolly, easy" he called, trying to walk forward to catch the mare but she took off, letting out a squeal as she galloped away. Nicaise stood there, speechlessly then threw his whip into the water.

"Fuck!" he yelled, then crying when he felt his shoulder click. His shoulder was burning in pain now. 

"Nicaise!" oh fuck me with a chainsaw, Nicaise thought. Just what he needed. Dara.

"What Dara?"

"I saw Dolly, are you alright?"

"No. No I'm not fucking alright. I fell off, I was in first place and now I've lost, and I think I have broken my collarbone because I am in a lot of pain and I don't need you running after me all caring and good natured because it's a load of bullshit!"

"Nicaise-"

"Fuck off, Dara!" he screeched, spinning round to look at Dara and stopping. Dara was sat on Bosco, holding the reins to Dolly. "Oh."

"You can still finish, then I'll drive you to the hospital once we're done. All you have to do is finish, it doesn't matter what you place."

"Why do you care?"

"Because I don't think many people have cared about you before. You're a good rider, you're great with difficult horses and you make me laugh," Dara said, dismounting Bosco and walking over to him with Dolly. "I'll help you up and I'll ride with you"

"Just fuck off Dara"

"I'm not fucking off, Nicaise. If you have indeed broken your collarbone and I just left you here, I think that would weigh on my conciseness heavily knowing I could've stayed and helped you," he said as if it was that simple. It wasn't. None of this was simple. Nicaise fancied him, Nicaise wanted to kiss him.

"The more you over think it, the harder it'll be," Dara whispered.

"Did you seriously quote Torveld's lecture on green horses at me?"

"You're getting on like a green horse. All unbalanced and tense and scared," Dara said gently, moving closer to him. So close that Nicaise could smell his after shave. Of course he smelt of fucking sandalwood. 

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"I think it was when Wesley got colic, and you stood all night with him and still showed up to class the next morning on time. You didn't have to stay with him, but you did. And then the time with Dixie, you knew she was lame, and so you sacrificed riding in front of the Richards so that Suzanne could because you knew how much it meant to her. You put people before yourself all the time, yet you have nobody as a friend"

"I have Toya"

"The head of school."

"And Cecil"

"The groundskeeper."

"Don't underestimate how important it is to have a groundskeeper as a friend, some nights I take Bosco out for late night schooling and he lets me," Nicaise said and he glanced at Dara and he was smiling. And Nicaise never thought he had seen something as beautiful. 

And so Nicaise drove forward and kissed him.

Dara staggered back, but then got his balance. Nicaise pressed his head to Dara's and took a shaky breath. "I never done that," he whispered. Dara nodded gently,

"Nicaise... I don't want you to rush into this. I don't want you to kiss me because you think that's what you have to do"

"No. No I wanted to kiss you for quite some time now," Nicaise admitted, looking up at him shyly. Dara gently pushed a curl out of his face and traced Nicaise's jawline.

"You are a enigma, Nicaise. I thought you hated me"

"I tried very hard too," he said then shrugging.

He regretted that instantly. His shoulder cracked again and Nicaise let out a strangle noise. Dara frowned then pulled Bosco closer to them.

"I'll give you a leg up"

"I'm meant to ride Dolly"

"Dolly will kill you" Nicaise remembered people saying the same about Comet. He remembered watching Laurent being thrown off Comet every morning. And then he remembered how he rode Comet, like he was blind.

"No, no. Leg me up onto Dolly"

"Nicaise..."

"It'll work, I promise," he insisted, putting a leg out. Dara helped him up, the pain was almost blinding now but Nicaise let his breathing mirror Dolly's, he listened to her.

"Easy, easy" he soothed, running a hand along her neck and holding the reins by the buckle, "Up, Dolly. Go on" he clicked his tongue and Dolly bounced into canter, Dara followed quickly, and every stride to the yard was agony, but Nicaise didn't care. He had figured out how to ride Dolly and kissed Dara. 

~/~

Dara indeed drove Nicaise to the hospital, and waited with him the entire time. He brought him food and water, he sat in the waiting room and talked to him aimlessly. His hand did not leave Nicaise's, they held hands the entire time.

Nicaise had broken his collar bone but thankfully it was a minor break, and just bed rest and no horse riding should get it healed in no time.

Dara drove him home and walked him to his room.

"Would you like to stay?" Nicaise asked hesitantly, Dara looked at him and then shook his head. "I don't want to stay if you don't feel comfortable with me here"

"No. No I do, I think it'd be nice"

"What would?"

"To hug somebody," Nicaise whispered. And so Dara guided him in, sitting him on the bed and helping him get changed. 

And for seven months, they never slept without the other. No matter if they argued or needed space, they always slept together. 

And Nicaise never felt safer than when he was wrapped in Dara's arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all need some fluff before we have the funeral x


	5. The Love That Remains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saudade (n.) A nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and lost "the love that remains"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, its the funeral

> ' _And though you're gone_  
>  _You're with me every single day, believe me_
> 
> _Days I'll remember all my life_  
>  _Days when you can't see wrong from right_  
>  _You took my life_  
>  _But then I knew that very soon you'd leave me_  
>  _But it's all right_  
>  _Now I'm not frightened of this world, believe me_ ' - The Kinks

Nicaise did not want this day to exist. He wasn't ready for what was going to happen. Nicaise had stayed on the phone to Dara for as long as he could, even when Dara's talking stopped and all he could hear was him sleeping, he refused to hang up. Because once he hung up, he knew it meant he was closer to the funeral.

And so, the morning came. Nicaise barely slept, he glanced at his phone and found a text from Dara:

> **D: _I'm here if you need to ring me, I love you. It'll be ok x_**

Nicaise didn't have the energy to respond. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a few deep breaths.

"Morning kid," Damen said quietly, pushing the door open with his elbow as he carried a plate of pancakes and a glass of milk in. He set it on Nicaise's desk and stood there looking out the window then turning back to Nicaise with a forced smile.

"You all set for today then? You have your suit sorted?" 

"Yeah, I do. I might need help with my tie"

"Oh sure, yeah no worries. Come down and get me when you're getting changed. You heard from Dara today?"

"He texted me"

"OK good. If it... it gets too much, Nicaise. And you need to leave to talk to him, you don't have to explain yourself to us. You can go"

"No, no I want to be there for Laurent." Nicaise saw Damens face tighten at the mention of his husband. Damen gave another weak smile and brushed his hand through Nicaise's curls and smiled weakly at him. "What'd we do without you, hmm? What'd he do without you"

"I'm here for you too, Damen" 

"I know kid, I know." Damen said softly, kissing Nicaise's head then leaving silently. Nicaise felt like an anchor was weighing him down to his bed, that he couldn't more or breathe with the weight it was that heavy. Today was going to be long, achingly so. He took a deep breath and eventually got up to start getting ready. First he replied to Dara with a gif of someone lying in a pool of tears. 

He pulled his trousers on, then his shirt and tucked it in neatly. He grabbed his tie and quietly walked down to Damen and Laurent's bedroom. He heard them talking quietly, Laurent pressed tight into the side of Damen who had his arms wrapped around Laurent, they were speaking quietly in Greek, well more Damen was speaking to Laurent. Nicaise could see the way Laurent's body shuddered and tensed, he was crying. Nicaise watched as Damen buttoned Laurents shirt, and helped him with his shoes. It reminded Nicaise in a way of the slaves from years ago who adored their masters, and served them so loyally and faithfully. 

Nicaise wondered if Laurent would've been a good king. He watched as Damen pressed a kiss to Laurent's head and letting it linger, then pulling away. He looked up then nodded when he saw Nicaise, walking out of the room. "Need help buddy?"

"Please" Damen nodded, silently doing the knot and then adjusting it. He pushed Nicaise back a little so he could look at him and nodded. 

  
"Good, nice and tidy. Have you texted Dara back?" 

"I did"

"Did he respond?" Nicaise sighed, pulling out his phone to check and then nodding. "What'd he say?"

"He sent a blessing for Laurent, I'll tell it to him."

"I don't think.."

"What'd he say?" Laurent asked, standing at the doorway. Nicaise had never seen Laurent look so dead. His eyes were lifeless, and his body tense. He still looked other worldly, his beauty a thing of ice and harshness. Laurent stood perfectly still while Nicaise got the text up. "He said 'Fágann an bás crá croí nach féidir le duine ar bith é a leigheas; Fágann grá cuimhne nach féidir le duine ar bith é a ghoid'. It's an Ir-"

"Irish blessing. I know. Tell him I said go raibh maith agat"

"You speak Irish?" Damen asked, looking at his husband. Laurent shrugged, examining his nails. "I dealt with Irish people before, I picked up a thing or too" 

"What did he say?" 

"Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal; Love leaves a memory that no one can steal," Nicaise answered. Both Damen and Laurent turned to look at him and then Laurent nodded, "Yes. It means that," he said quietly. Nicaise almost regretted telling them Dara had said anything now, but he saw Damen slip his hand into Laurents. 

"Jord is going to drive us in, Nicaise you're going to take your seat at the front of the church while we carry the coffin in alright?" Damen explained, Nicaise nodded. He felt his throat constricting and it getting harder to breathe. Laurent stepped forward, touching his chin to tilt his head upwards. "Keep it together, for now. The hardest part is almost done," he said then pressing a kiss to Nicaise's head and walking out of the house. 

~/~

The church was cold. Even with the amount of people in it, no warmth seemed to gather in the hall. Nicaise had to stand at the door and greet people. Some he recognised from shows, or clients. And then he saw Mari. He had completely forgotten that Auguste had a wife. She smiled when she saw Nicaise, pulling him into a hug.

"Alright Nicaise?"

"Hi, Mari. How are you- are you alright?" He asked hesitantly. Mari nodded, smiling weakly. 

"I am now, yeah. My sisters have came up to stay, then I'm going to move back up to Aberdeen"

"You'll not stay here?" 

"I don't think so. Laurent said he'd support me whichever I choose, maybe someday I'll move back here. But right now I think I need to be with my family," she said, giving Nicaise a soft squeeze. "He was proud of you. He always showed me the videos of you jumping, your horse was lovely"

"Bosco. He was great," Nicaise agreed, taking a deep breath. Marianne smiled again.

"You'll be alright, Nicaise. I'll chat to you after," she said as she walked on to take her seat. Nicaise soon followed, sitting at the top were Laurent had told him too. He saw Laurent, Damen, Jord, Nikandros, and then two friends of Auguste from the local pub, Wesley and Cecil. Laurent was at the front with Damen next to him. The church rose and sang Amazing Grace, the music sending chills down Nicaise's spine, uncomfortably so. Nicaise felt too warm and too cold all at once. His body didn't feel right either. He watched as they carried the coffin down the aisle and then setting it down at the front. Laurent lingered, standing by the coffin and not moving until Damen took his hand and lead him to the seat. 

The minister said some words, then they prayed and sang. And then the minister invited Laurent up.

Laurent stood at the dais. He looked tidy, his hair neatly pulled back and his suit sharp. He stood, his hands gripping the sides so tightly his knuckles looked as if to almost break the skin. He shifted slightly, schooling his face into an expressionless gaze. He swallowed once then he took a deep breath and he spoke, the words coming from him sounded like sand paper; rough and tired.  “My brother was the best of us. The most kindest. And the truest person I’ve ever known. It is unfair that he is dead. Because he deserved to live. And... and... Damen?” Damen stood, walking up and standing next to him and pressing a kiss to his head, taking the paper away from Laurent and continuing to read for him. 

“And it is heavy. This pain of loss I feel. For l do not know what to do with my grief. I do not know where to place my love for him. Because l had so much love left” Nicaise could see Laurent crying into Damens arm. Damen kept one arm wrapped protectively around him so that he could have one privacy. “I have lost my only remaining family. I have lost my brother. But he was so much more than. He was my teacher, my guidance. He was my friend. And now l am lost,” Damen swallowed heavily. “So, Auguste, I wish you well on the road. I hope you are at peace, for you deserve nothing less. And l will carry your heart next to mine, in everything l do, in every word l speak. I will do so with you in my heart. And l will carry you forever until we meet again. I hope you find rest, and I hope... hope you are with mother and father and you are a family once more. 

My love for you will only grow." Damen sniffed, finishing the paper. He turned and embraced Laurent fully, hugging him tightly and hiding his face. Nicaise wanted to leave, he wanted to run out of the church and to the airport and get the first flight back to Dublin and go to Dara and be there with him instead of this. Nicaise did not want to feel this pain any longer. 

Nicaise felt selfish. He didn't want to see this. He didn't want to see Laurent crying. He didn't want to see Auguste being buried. This was all wrong. It felt so wrong. Nicaise didn't realise he was crying until he felt the tears dripping onto his shirt. He rose, and walked out of the church, his head down and tears streaming furiously down his face. He made it to a wall to support himself, dropping his head as he cried. 

This was the same wall Damen and Laurent had the wedding photo on.

This was the church they had gotten married in, and now they were burying Auguste here. 

"Cigarette?" Laurent asked, holding out one and a lighter. Laurent never gave Nicaise cigarettes, he always had to source his own. Nicaise sniffed, taking it and lighting it then watching Laurent do the same. Laurent perched himself on the wall, sniffing slightly. 

"I remember when my parents died, Auguste told me death was just a grand adventure. That they weren't really gone, they just had been called elsewhere to help God," he explained, looking at the sky. "I hope it's true. I hope Auguste is just on an adventure. It comforts me"

"Does it?"

"It does. Nicaise, we cannot escape death. It comes to us all, sadly."

"But it's not fair! Auguste went too early. He was meant to come over to France, and he was meant to meet Dara and he was meant to come to my graduation and see me jump Bosco! He was meant to be here but instead he's dead! And that's not fair!" Nicaise screamed, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hand. "It's not fair" he choked out. Laurent looked at him, and nodded slowly. 

"I understand. I understand, Nicaise. He was my brother," Laurent said quietly. "But... but I'm here. I will go to all your shows, and I will meet Dara. Even if he can't. You are not alone in your grief. This pain is not yours to carry alone either. I am here."

"But he's not"

"No. He's not, but you love him don't you? Then he is still here. That is why heroes never die. Because we still tell the stories of them throughout history. And that immortalises them"

"Then he shall live for as long as I will," Nicaise whispered. Laurent smiled sadly, nodding and flicking his cigarette stub away. 

"Then so he shall." 

"I met him before I met you. And he listened to me, and he cared. He treated me like I was someone, not just some kid who had a shit past. He treated me like I was someone" 

"You are someone, Nicaise. You always have been," Laurent whispered. "Its just your uncle decided to tell you otherwise, that's what people who hurt us do. They make us feel like we are no one so that they can break us easier, but Auguste was the first person who treat you like someone, not just a thing to be tossed aside. He did that well. He always made you feel like someone, even if you felt like you were nothing, just used goods and baggage, he made you feel like you were the most important person he had spoken to that day," Laurent's breath was shaky. Nicaise reached over and held his hand. 

"He did that to you too," Nicaise whispered and Laurent nodded. 

"He did. He made me feel I was the most important person he knew and he loved you, Nicaise," Laurent breathed. "I should've known the funeral would've been hard on you. I forgot," he whispered but Nicaise shook his head.

"It's OK. I'm glad I came"

"I'm glad you came too," Laurent admitted quietly, he squeezed Nicaise's hand gently. "Shall we go back inside then?" Nicaise nodded and let Laurent lead him back in. 

~/~

Nicaise had never known pain like watching Auguste's coffin being buried into the Earth. It felt unnatural. It felt wrong. Nicaise gripped onto Laurent who remained steadfast, holding onto Nicaise and tracing circles on his hand. 

They went home after that, Laurent going into the house and Nicaise going out to Comet. He didn't ring Dara, he couldn't quite bring himself too. Words and speaking felt too heavy right now. He texted him that he was OK, but he just needed some space right now. Dara texted back that he loved him and it meant he could jump Frankie without worrying that Nicaise would ring him mid course.

Nicaise told him he was an asshole and he hoped he fell off. 

Nicaise groomed Comet all afternoon then slipped the bridle onto him, without saddle or helmet he jumped up and took him out into the forest, letting the hoofbeats drown out the thoughts that were too loud in his head. 

He was exhausted by the time he returned, he put Comet away and staggered into bed, not bothering to change. He closed his eyes, almost drifting to sleep when a hand nudged him. "Nicaise?" he jumped up slightly, blinking and seeing Laurent, rubbing his eyes.

"What?"

"Come with me," Laurent whispered, tugging Nicaise out of the bed and outside. Nicaise sighed when he saw it was raining, looking at the mad look in Laurent's eyes

"It's raining," Laurent breathed.

"Yes and? We live in England, what did you expect?" Nicaise asked then letting his mouth fall open as Laurent ran outside, throwing his arms in the air and jumping into the muddy puddles. "Are you fucking insane?" Nicaise called, watching as Laurent danced. Nicaise forgot that Laurent had been a dancer, that he had trained in ballet. He was hypnotised watching him, leaping and spinning in the rain and mud. He stopped, hugging himself and tilting his head up to the rain.

"He does this when he's upset," Damen explained, standing next to him. "Something about the puddles and rain, he said you can jump and disturb them yet they leave no trace that you were there. He always does this when he needs a break"

"And what do you do?" Nicaise asked, Damen simply grinned, kicking off his shoes. 

"I join him," he grinned, running out and scooping Laurent into his arms. Nicaise stood and watched in silence as Laurent and Damen chased each other in the mud. The pain seemed to be leaving Laurent's eyes. Now he was filled with joy and love. 

His parents were fucking psychos and yet, Nicaise loved them more than anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to put the positive twist on the end because while death is sad, I firmly believe in celebrating the persons life. Laurent had done this with Auguste when he was a kid so it felt right for him to do it on his funeral.   
> All comments are appreciated!


	6. To Know Him is To Love Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepenthe - (n.) Something that can make you forget grief or suffering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a chapter from Dara's POV because fuck it :)

> ' _Oh I'll be good to him_  
>  _I'll bring joy to him oh oh_  
>  _Everyone says there'll come a day_  
>  _When I'll walk alongside of him_
> 
> _To know know know him_  
>  _Is to love love love him_  
>  _And I do_ ' - Amy Winehouse 

Dara always enjoyed flying. He liked to see how tiny the houses and cars looked from little specs of dust under him. He always enjoyed putting an auidobook on and listening to the narrator, imaging that was him. 

Dara had never felt excitement than flying over to see Nicaise, but Nicaise didn't know. Laurent had run him two nights ago, saying that he would pay for a groom to stay at the yard to help his grandparents if it meant that Dara could fly over to spend sometime with Nicaise before they returned to school. 

Dara got on the first plane he could to England, chewing his nail for the majority of the flight. While he trusted the person Laurent had sent over and spent the day with him yesterday to talk him through the routine of the yard, showing him were things needed to be stored and how the feeds needed to be done. He knew his grandmother would keep things right, and they had had grooms before. And Dara needed to see Nicaise. He needed to see him and just hug him, to feel him in his arms and know he's safe and well.

He didn't know much about Nicaise's childhood. He knew Nicaise had been adopted by Laurent and Damen D'Vere. He knew Laurent ran a stable yard but before hand had been one of the lead dancers in Paris. He knew Nicaise spoke about Laurent like he was the greatest thing to ever walk the Earth. He spoke about Laurent's brother, Auguste, the same way. He also knew how he spoke of Damen, how Damen was calm in Laurent's storm. How the pair raised him to be the best he could be. How they loved him. But Dara knew more had gone on before Nicaise was adopted. He saw it, how Nicaise would flinch or some nights he would cry for hours. 

How some days Nicaise could be so cruel and cold. The way Dara saw it was quite simple though. Something had happened to Nicaise and his way of survivng was to lash out and protect himself by hurting others before they hurt him. It took a lot for Dara to get hurt, and quite frankly Nicaise could hurt him a thousand times over because Dara saw how he was when the storm was over. He saw the Nicaise who played the piano in the flats when they were drinking, who played songs for them to scream along too. He saw the Nicaise who changed a very drunk Dara into his pjs when Dara couldn't even see straight. 

He knew that Nicaise was good. Was genuine and quite frankly, Dara adored him. 

The hardest thing he had ever done was not tell him he was flying over to see him. He had texted him saying that he was going to Gordans Bay to do some cross country and so he'd not be on his phone most of the day because he'd probably hack Frankie down to the beach once he was done and bring him for a swim. Nicaise had responded he was busy jumping today so he would just call him later.

Dara smirked at that, because later Dara would actually be there. 

~/~

To say the drive to the yard had bee awkward would've been an absolute, whole hearted, understatement of the century. Dara was greeted by Damen, who was about six foot of pure muscle and Dara was mildly terrified off. Damen looked like the sort of guy who if in prison would simply rip the bars off the windows and climb out it ( ~~though he probably wouldn't fit~~ )

"Dara... It's nice to meet you," Damen said with a strange sort of smile. Dara looked at him awkwardly and nodded his head. 

"Great to meet you too, Damen." Damen simply stared at him, as if trying to process what he had just said. Dara internalised his sigh, he knew his accent could be hard to interrupt. His mother had a broad Donegal accent, and his father had a harsh Italian one. His accent was a mixture of the two but when he spent summers with his grandparents he tended to drift more towards Irish. Damen continued staring at him, to the point were Dara was a little unnerved. He didn't know someone could stare at you for so long.

"Great, now I believe I'm here to see my boyfriend," Dara said, clapping his hands and walking on without a clue as to where he was going. Damen followed and brought him to the pick up, helping him with his bags and then climbing into the driver seat and Dara to the front seat. The car started and then Dara was hit with Disney classics, specifically 'Let It Go' from Frozen. Dara looked at Damen who was staring at the radio as if it had betrayed him and murdered his entire family. Then very quietly, Damen said. "It's a good song"

"Oh, I don't doubt it," Dara agreed. The tone of Damens voice made Dara grip onto his chair slightly and be grateful that his father was in the police and he knew how to run in case Damen took a murderous episode and Dara needed to run for his life. Dara nodded his head, pushing his lips together to stop himself laughing. Something about this entire situation seemed almost other wordily. Dara snorted, covering his mouth and coughing. Damen looked at him then raised an eyebrow and then he smiled, seeming to relax a little. "I'm Damen."

"I'm Dara," he responded, shaking Damens hand and smiling at him. Damen chuckled and starting the car, pulling out. 

"I'm sorry, I haven't slept in like a week," He explained and Dara shook his head. 

"You're grand. I understand this is hard, how's Laurent coping?"

"Oh. Oh he's Laurent," Damen said nodding his head, and keeping his eyes pinned on the road but Dara saw how Damen adjusted his grip on the wheel and shifted. He had seen the same look his mother had done when he father had cancer, when she was trying to keep it together. "Mmm. He's Laurent. And so his grief is his grief alone. And I'm just his husband. Who has been with him for the last ten years, nothing big." 

"That sounds difficult," Dara agreed, nodding his head and shifting himself in the seat slightly. "Do you feel like you can talk to him?"

"Some days yes. Then some days, he's just dangerous. I can't say anything right and he get's so vicious and cruel," Damen explained. "And I'm trying my hardest to keep it together for him. I'm trying my hardest to keep everything running for him... sorry am I oversharing?"

"No. You sound like you need to do it," Dara smiled at him. Damen looked at him and shook his head, chuckling slightly. "How did Nicaise end up with you?"

"Oh he didn't make it easy. He hated me. Wouldn't even speak to me"

"Laurent did the same to me!" Damen gasped, looking at Dara and then holding his fist up. "Fist bump, we're the 'Our Partners Were Dicks before They Loved Us' Club." Dara snorted, bumping his fist to Damens and smiling. 

"Nicaise is getting better at communicating though, he didn't do it very well when we started."

"Mmm. See Laurent still doesn't full get it," Damen explained. "I know he's in therapy. And I know he's trying. But he's habits he just can't break," he sighed, shaking his head. "But I love him. I really do. Everyday I discover something more that makes me love him that little bit more," Damen smiled, looking at Dara. "That's how you know its love." Dara hummed, nodding his head and looking out the window. This was certainly going to be an interesting stay. 

~/~

The yard wasn't grand but it wasn't small either. It was well organised, buzzing with horses and activity. But Dara's eyes found Nicaise instantly. Nicaise was riding a large dun horse in the round pen. Laurent was stood by the fence. Nicaise sat like a jockey on top of the horse, his position like rock and not budging, no matter how much the horse fought. "I wouldn't say hi yet, Shelger is causing trouble. Nicaise is the first one that has been able to stay on this long," Damen explained, taking Dara's bags. "I can show you inside?"

"No. I'd prefer to stand and watch," Dara said, giving Damen a smile and leaning against the wall. He remained hidden, watching Nicaise school Shelger in figures of eight and then picking up canter again. Nicaise kept a short rein but he could see it was relaxed, he watched the horse drop his head and how he went onto an outline. Dara sighed, he loved Nicaise. 

"That'll do," Laurent said, he sounded like Nicaise. Laurent walked and opened the gate, running a hand along the horses neck. "Thoughts?"

"He's nice movements but he's stiff in his hips, and he's hesitant to go too forward," Nicaise explained, swinging off the horse and patting him again. Laurent nodded, undoing the nose band and then tying up the reins. "Alright, I'll get Auguste- oh," Laurent whispered. Nicaise sighed, squeezing Laurent's shoulder.

"I'll put him away," Laurent said, loosening the horses girth then walking out. "I've a new member of staff I need you to give a run down too," Laurent added. Dara saw Nicaise roll his eyes and pull out his tobacco tin to roll a cigarette. "Right," Nicaise sigh, rolling his shoulders. "Who is it?"

"Oh, he's some Irish person," Laurent said dismissively, Dara grinned when he saw Nicaise stop walking and look at Laurent. 

"Laurent..."

"His name is Donald or some shit, he jumps horses at home for his grandparents," Laurent said examining his nails then looking up at Dara. Nicaise followed Laurent's line of vision and then sprinted over to Dara, throwing himself at him. Dara caught him, wrapping his arms around him tightly and burying his face in the crook of Nicaise's neck and just breathing him in. "Hello my darling," Dara breathed. "Hello, hello, hello" he repeated. 

"You fucking asshole," Nicaise said, pulling back and pushing Dara. "Why did you not tell me you were coming!"

"Because it was a surprise!"

"I don't like surprises!" Nicaise said but Dara pouted at him, tilting his head. Nicaise sighed, pressing his head against Dara's, brushing their noses against each other and then kissing. Dara sighed into the kiss, letting Nicaise hold his chin and tilt his head to kiss him better. "Get a fucking room!" Laurent called as he walked past, Dara snorted and kissed him again. Nicaise sighed, hugging him tightly then pulling away. "Laurent? Dara is going to ride Peggy. I'm going to take Comet."

"Fine, where are you going?"

"I'm going to bring Dara up to the clearing," he said, Laurent nodded then looking at Dara. "Ride her firmly. She's strong. So you need to sit her well" Dara nodded, giving a mock salute, "Yes sir."

"Don't call me sir"

"OK," he said, nodding. Dara thought Damen had been scary, Damen had nothing on Laurent. 

~/~

The hack that Nicaise had took him on was long but it was fun. They had cross country jumps, Dara's particular favourite had been the water drop and the river they cantered through. Eventually Nicaise pulled up on the top of the hill, and Dara could see for miles, there was a few picnic tables and posts for them to tie the horses too. And so Dara sat pressed against Nicaise on the grassy mound while Nicaise smoked a cigarette and his free hand running up and down Dara's arm.

"How was the funeral?" he asked quietly. Nicaise shifted slightly and hummed. 

"Long. It was long. It was painful too. It didn't feel right to bury him," Nicaise whispered. Dara nodded, bringing up Nicaise's hand and kissing his knuckles. 

"I'm proud of you. Damen was saying its been a bit tough on Laurent."

"Auguste was his brother"

"Just because someone is your brother doesn't mean you're close," Dara said gently, looking up at him. "Me and my brother don't speak." 

"Oh?"

"Mmm. He left our family, he stole from my dad during his chemo. We don't speak to him anymore," Dara explained. "Family doesn't mean you're close." Nicaise looked away, looking at the distance and then looking at the trees. "You know... I understand that"

"You don't have to say anything you don't want too, Nicaise."

"No, no you deserve to know," he whispered. "My uncle abused me," he said so quietly that Dara barely heard him. Dara sat up and shifted so he could press his head to Nicaise's. 

"Its OK" 

"Laurent adopted me as soon as he caught on it was happening. I hated him for separating us. Because I really thought he loved me," Nicaise took a shaky breath. "Then for years I thought no one would love me because I was used goods. A no one." Dara wished that they were telepathic or something so that Nicaise could feel how he felt. Or see himself through Dara's eyes. Because Dara did not see him as used goods or a no one. Dara saw him as his world. 

"Nicaise..."

"It was lonely growing up. Laurent was good, but Laurent has a lot of unresolved trauma. He has a lot of habits he needs to break but can't because they were what kept him alive," he explained, playing with the grass. "It was lonely. There were days when I would stay with Auguste or Jord, because Laurent was in hospital or too unstable to have me in the house and Damen needed to focus on him. So I pushed myself, so hard. I trained and rode and trained. I took the worst horses Laurent had and made them into something hoping... hoping he would _notice_ me," he took a deep breath. "But he didn't. Well he did, he just never showed me. I trained so hard and then I got into the Academy. And Laurent said he was proud of me. And I thought it was all worth it. I thought he loved me"

"He does, Nicaise. You just... you have to understand his language. You have to see what's he not saying. I'm sure he did a lot for you that you just didn't see"

"I don't know," Nicaise admitted. "It was always Damen or Auguste bringing me to shows. But when Laurent was good, he was so good. He was so sarcastic and happy. But then he had bad days and it was a stranger. Then I met you."

"Then you met me," Dara repeated, holding his hand tighter and squeezing it. "I love you. And I am endlessly proud of you." 

"But why?"

"I don't have a simple answer for you. Sometimes feelings can't be explained. And I don't know why but I see you, and I just feel right," he said softly, "I am proud of you, Nicaise. For coming so far. And for never breaking even though the world hasn't been kind to you. Grá mo chroí," Dara said quietly, pressing a kiss to Nicaise's temple. 

"What does it mean?" Nicaise asked back quietly. 

"The love of my heart, my heart, my darling," Dara explained. "There is no price for my love. There is no sacrifice you have to make," he smiled and then stood up, "Come along then, I'm fucking starving and I need food." Nicaise snorted, getting up and following him but before they got back on their horses, Nicaise pulled Dara close and hesitantly said, "Grá mo chroí," and Dara had never heard it being pronounced more wrong in his entire life, but yet it had never meant more to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONE IS GAY.


	7. Landslide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lacuna (n.) A blank space. A missing part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bittersweet ending, this is the last installment of the Will You Still Love Me series. Sadly, sometimes the heroes don't always get a happy ending. Also just for clarification, this fic has taken place over the span of like twenty odd years. I like a time jump.

> ' _Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'_  
>  _'Cause I've built my life around you_  
>  _But time makes you bolder_  
>  _Even children get older_  
>  _And I'm gettin' older, too_ ' - Fleetwood Mac. 

**~ Epilogue // 10 years later ~**

Nicaise ran his hands along his trousers, trying to fight the sweat off his palms. He was so fucking sweaty. The curls were sticking to his forehead a little, and his throat was like sandpaper from the amount of cigarettes he had smoked. 

"You'll be fine," a calm voice said. Nicaise looked up as Damen walked in, his black hair now was beginning to grey. His beard he had grown was wirey, and his eyes had crow's feet from all the years he had spent laughing and smiling. "Here now, let me see," he said, sitting down opposite Nicaise and beginning to adjust his tie. Nicaise looked at his father, then watching as he tied the tie calmly and pulling the tie up then adjusting the flower in his top pocket. "Now, look at you," Damen breathed, holding Nicaise at an arms length to look Nicaise up and down then grinning. "Nicaise," he breathed. Nicaise didn't think, he latched himself onto Damen and hugged him tightly. Damen sighed, just letting Nicaise hide his face away. 

"He would've wanted to be here," Damen said quietly. "He'd have complained about the fact that your menu is mostly Italian food. And then he'd have bitched about the lighting and the fact the sun is too bright and the fact that you didn't have a horse drawn carriage because he was that dramatic. And then he'd have pulled out to the side, away from everyone and give you a cigarette and tell you he's proud and then left," Damen breathed. "As am I."

"I wish he was here."

"I wish he was too," he whispered back. 

It hadn't been an easy few years. Laurent was almost getting better. He had months were he was great, and he laughed and teased and joked. But those months would be followed by weeks of silence. It had gotten worse when Auguste died. Laurent still worked, he went out competing on the weekends with Pig and his horses, but then Pig died. And Laurent lost himself in grief. Grief he hadn't addressed and grief that was fresh. Nicaise had flew home for the last few months of Laurent's life. Laurent who still walked around the yard, who left Nicaise a guide on what to do. Nicaise remembered the night Laurent died, he remembered because the day before Laurent had been in brilliant form. Nicaise had cried laughing, he watched as Laurent chased Damen in the puddles and kissed him. And the day before, Laurent left Nicaise a pack of cigarettes and kissed his head. 

Nicaise remembered the silence. He hadn't been allowed into the room, but Damen came out with his room and sat down next to Nicaise. He took a deep breath and quietly whispered, "Who can I jump in puddles with now?" and they held each other in their grief. Soon after Laurent's death, Nicaise moved back to England permanently, he left his position at the academy and Toya to take over the centre, knowing Damen couldn't handle it alone. 

Damen still lived in the house, but Nicaise had changed the centre. He had made it a business, a rehabilitation centre for abuse and neglect cases. Either horses, humans, dogs, cats, even the odd goat could find a place at the centre. Nicaise ran it like clockwork. His partner trained the horses, sending them to America and Sweden and Germany while Nicaise took the groups for therapy sessions with the horses. Damen still remained there to help, as did Jord and Nikandros. Their dysfunctional family. 

There was a plaque on the wall to the tack room, with Laurent's name on it. The tack room was lined of photos of Laurent and Auguste, Laurent and Damen, Nicaise, all the horses they had trained and shows they had won. Nicaise had found peace. He had found his calling and he never thought he would have had this life. 

A life were he felt not only safe, but peaceful. 

~/~

Nicaise spent a year travelling, moving from yard to yard to experience different styles of life. He moved from place to place, trying to escape who he was and run away from what had happened to him but a voice at the back of his head kept softly calling him to come back. To not be scared. That he was still loved and he was OK. 

And so Nicaise returned to France first, then Ireland. 

He spent years in Ireland, competing in high end classes but it bored him. The repetition and the stakes. He enjoyed the manager he had ridden for, Chris O'Hare, but he felt it just wasn't for him. And it was at this time that Laurent began to go down hill. 

"Are you nervous?" Damen asked quietly, Nicaise shook his head firmly and Damen chuckled. "I was so nervous when I married Laurent. I convinced myself he wasn't going to be in the church. He was, of course. And actually gave me shit for being late," he laughed, shaking his head. "But, but I loved him. He had convinced himself I wasn't going to show up either," he smiled. Damen gently touched Nicaise's chin and tilted his head upwards.

"Just because he's not here, physically, doesn't mean he's not here. Our heroes never die because-"

"Because we still tell stories of them. And so they live on for as long as we talk about them," Nicaise finished, giving Damen a weak smile. "When did he say that to you?"

"When my mother died."

"He said it to me when Auguste died, I think more for himself than for me," Nicaise whispered. Damen sighed, and hugged him once more before taking a deep breath. "Right then, you ready?" 

"I think so," Nicaise said, giving a nod. Damen smiled, taking Nicaise's hand and leading him downstairs to the room that the service was taking place too. Nicaise stood, waiting for the doors to open. He fidgeted with his sleeve, but Damen calmly pressed a hand on top of his to still him. "You're ready for this, Nicaise. It's time," he said softly. Nicaise inhaled deeply, nodding. 

The doors opened and Nicaise stepped forward onto the aisle and his eyes found his husband-to-be who was already looking back at him. His head of flame red curls and freckles, wearing a deep blue suit. Nicaise smiled at him and he smiled back. 

The service passed faster than Nicaise had ever experienced until he heard the words. 

"Do you, Nicaise D'Vere take Dara Ricci to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"And do you, Dara Ricci take Nicaise D'Vere to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do." Dara. His husband. Nicaise's heart nearly exploded at the thought.

Dara, who had let Nicaise go to find himself. Who stood and supported him continuously. Who followed him to England and sat with him through his grief of loosing Laurent. 

Dara, who waited until Nicaise was ready to marry. Who didn't pressure him to say yes, who simply said that his offer was always open. If Nicaise wanted to get married tomorrow, he would and if Nicaise never wanted to marry, that was OK too. 

Dara, who Nicaise had grown to know better than he knew himself. His little tics, and how endlessly proud Nicaise was of Dara. How they survived this long together. 

Nicaise let out a breath, wiping his eyes then finding Dara's hands already there. 

"Then with the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and man. You may now kiss the husband," the minister had barely finished and Nicaise's lips were on Daras.

Together they had found their happiness. 

Together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I thought long and hard before I wrote this chapter, and mainly thinking is this the right path to take. I still have a lot of feelings about it.   
> I hope you all enjoyed how I wrote Laurent, I wanted to do him justice and write him well. I think its very different in a modern setting. I feel its different because Laurent does not have to be a king here, he doesn't have that public image to uphold. We see, in my opinion, Laurent putting himself in dangerous situations and ultimately in KR he's ready to sacrifice himself so Damen can be king. These are just my thoughts and how I understand him as a character.   
> Ultimately, I'm sorry he died. But sometimes our body's just stop trying and I feel that's what happened to Laurent in this, please don't assume I'm writing him as a weak character. I'm not. I recognise how strong Laurent is, but this is the path it took in my fic.


End file.
